"Ahh!" Bharata screamed and woke up from his dream panting and sweating.
"What's wrong, my grandson?" said Bharata's grandfather Ashwapati.
"Oh grandfather, I had a terrible dream that someone died and I can't see who it was," said Bharata.
Ashwapati tried to comfort Bharata by telling him it was just a dream and that everything would be okay. However, Bharata could not sleep. His face was pale and damp with sweat. The nightmare was horrible. How could he go back to sleep? Suddenly, Shatrughna opened the door and his eyes looked beyond frightened.
"My dear brother! Someone has died but I do not know who! We must head back to Ayodhya now," said Shatrughna.
Obediently, Bharata packed all his belongings and so did Shatrughna and as they bid their grandfather goodbye, they were in a hurry to find out what had happened in Ayodhya. As they saw the city approaching, the brothers stepped off their horses and looked at the grand palace. Kaikeyi was sitting by the window and ran to her sons.
"Bharata! Dasaratha is dead and Rama is in exile," said Kaikeyi. She explained everything to her son and how she used her two wishes to make Bharata king. Rama had been banished for no crime he had done. Bharata was outraged by his mother's actions. "How could she be so manipulative?" he thought. "She wanted me to be king that bad she was willing to get rid of Rama and cause the king's death?!" he thought once more. "Okay, maybe she did not cause the king's death on purpose but Rama's exile and my father dead?! Her wishes have caused this to happen!" Bharata thought to himself. He knew that Rama was not her son and all she wanted were good things for Bharata, but how could she send Rama in exile? He had done nothing to her.
Bharata had always thought of his mother as a kind and gentle woman. He had praised her and admired her caring ways but this situation was different. Bharata had changed the way he looked at her. "This was exactly like my dream. My mother had used her two wishes and sent Rama into exile! I heard my father scream!" Bharata recalled from his nightmare.
However, Kaikeyi was still his mother and deep down Bharata really cared about her. His mother had always been there for him since he was a young boy. His father Dasaratha had too many wives and occupied his time with women and his throne. Bharata and Dasaratha did not have a connection like how he was with his mother.
Bharata watched his mother as she explained all the horrible deeds just so she could make him king. Bharata thought, "I cannot believe how evil she is! But did she do this all for me? All she wanted was for me to become king and have good fortune, but why did she have to do it in such an evil way?" he said. His mother was a kind woman and very caring to Shatrughna and Bharata. So what had gotten into her? He could never look at his mother the same way again. She had done him wrong and was not apologetic. She did not even acknowledge her responsibility for the king's death or regret what she had done. Maybe his father had done something wrong in the past and it resulted in karma. This was his father's punishment. Kaikeyi will soon get her karma too. She was selfish and wanted Bharata to become king instead of Rama. His mother would get her punishment. Now Vasishtha, the God of Brahma wanted Bharata to be king until Rama returned... He agreed but only for the sake of Rama and not his mother's wish. Bharata's dream came true... his father was dead and Rama's exile had caused everyone grief and chaos. He was disappointed in his mother's actions but it was too late to change back time. Now Bharata had to step up to the plate and become king until Rama comes back.
Rama and Bharata: (WikiSource) Bharata
Author's Note:
I decided to make a story about Bharata's return from his grandfather's house. I wanted to make the story in his own perspective by showing how outraged he was by his mother's actions. He could not believe his mother would be the reason for his father's death even though she would not admit to it. She basically tore the family apart and sent his stepbrother Rama to exile. Her selfish motives were to make her own son king. All she wanted was happiness for Bharata but she did not think of the results. Kaikeyi even explained her motives to Bharata but he could not accept the truth. I wanted to emphasize how in disbelief Bharata was because he always thought of his mother as a kind woman. He did not know she was so manipulative and sneaky just to make everything right for her. Most importantly, I added the fact that Bharata did not really want to be king and that the people of Ayodhya knew the crown was rightfully Rama's. However, due to Rama being in exile, Bharata had to step up and be king until his brother returned. I added the detail of how Bharata agreed to become king not because he wanted to but because Vasishtha, the priest told him to. Bharata had to think for the good of his people. I also wanted to emphasize the disappointment he had for his mother. He is uncertain of forgiving her even though Kaikeyi is his mother. Bharata respected Rama and so I focused on how Bharata agreed to become king until Rama returned towards the end of the story.
Bibliography: William Buck's Ramayana 1976
Hey Christine! I am glad that you decided to write about Bharata's point of view during this point in the epic. It was so interesting because he basically is forced into a situation that he feels is wrong from the beginning but he cannot get out of it. I think the picture you chose goes perfectly with your story and I like that Bharata had a dream about someone mysteriously dying. Great story!!
ReplyDeleteThis is the second take on this scene of the book that I have read for commenting. It's interesting how two people can take the same plot, and twist it in their own fashion. I like how you explained Bharta and Satrungha's nightmare, Kaikeyi's explanation to her sons, and Bharta's personal thoughts. You took so many different elements and were able to blend them into one story. Great job this week!
ReplyDeleteHey Christine! Cool job on choosing to write a story on this scene from the book. I felt like in the book the author’s description of how Bharata felt when he found out what his mother did is portrayed really well in your version of the story. Nice foreshadowing with the dream that Bharata has. Can’t wait to read more of your posts!
ReplyDeleteHi Christine!
ReplyDeleteI love that for this story you chose to focus on Bharata and his return. I love when someone writes a story and focuses on a character that is not the main focus in the original story. A few weeks ago I wrote one of my stories about Bharata. I just really like his character and who he is. I loved reading your story! One suggestion I have is to use something to differentiate Bharata's thoughts from the rest of the story. I know that before the last paragraph you put (Bharata's thoughts), but maybe if you italicized it that would make it more obvious! I think you did a really great job at showing the anger that Bharata had towards his mother. I also like that he didn't show much rage to his mother, he kept it inside. I feel like that is true to his character. Overall, I think that you did a great job! I can't wait to read more stories that you add to your portfolio!
Christine, I think this was a really great story idea. I had a similar story idea before, but I'm glad you decided to write this, and I think you did a really good job at executing the story. I love how you started the story and set the scene, drawing the reader's in. You continued to draw readers in using the dialogue, which also helped with character development. Something that I noticed was that I saw Ayodhya spelled wrong, so I would just go through and proofread for spelling and grammar one more time. I also think that if you could differentiate Bharata's thoughts from the rest of the text, it might make it easier for your readers. You could do this by putting it in italics. Your overall flow of the story is good, but I think adding this one text effect will help.
ReplyDeleteBut I think you did a great job overall! I really enjoyed reading it, and I enjoyed how the point-of-view you wrote it from. I look forward to reading more of your work!
Hi Christine! I enjoyed your story. You had a wonderful story idea and you executed it brilliantly! I think that you did an awesome job with your use of dialogue. It really keeps the story flowing nicely and it adds a lot of detail. I liked how you opened your story, immediately setting the scene so that the readers could picture the setting in their minds and really visualize the story.
ReplyDeleteI thought it was slightly confusing when you put the thoughts in quotations. The only suggestion I have is to put thought is italics rather than quotations. As I was reading I kept picturing someone talking out loud until I got to the end of the sentence where it said “he thought.”
Overall I think that you did a great job and I am looking forward to reading more of your stories as you add them to your portfolio!
Hi Christine! I really like how you wrote this story from Bharata’s point of view. I’ve always found it interesting that Bharata never seemed to want the throne, and was appalled by his mother’s actions. The prose was very well-written, with a few minor grammatical errors. I was slightly confused when Bharata said “I can’t seem to see who it was.” I don’t know if you meant that he couldn’t remember who died in his dream, or if he never saw who died in his dream. That’s just a minor detail though. Another thing to note is to use something other than quotes for thoughts. Maybe try italicizing the text when Bharata thought about his mother’s actions rather than quotes in the sixth paragraph. The last bit to remember is to keep verb tense. In the sixth paragraph, it switches from past tense to present tense with “Rama is now…” when it would work better as “Rama was now banished.” Overall, this was a wonderful story from Bharata’s perspective, and I look forward to more of your work!
ReplyDeleteHey there!
ReplyDeleteI like how you began your story. It definitely piqued my curiosity. I also like theway you descriv=bed the dreams. Your story has good flow and sentence structure. Your picture choice is interesting, as well. Great job!
Below are some examples:
“"Ahh!" Bharata screamed and woke up from his dream panting and sweating.” I would consider a comma after “dream” and before “panting”.
“"What's wrong my grandson?" said Bharata's grandfather Asawapi.” I would add two commas to this sentence, as follows: “"What's wrong, my grandson?" said Bharata's grandfather, Asawapi.”
“"Oh grandfather I had a terrible dream that someone died and I can't seem to see who it was," said Bharata.” I would also include a comma after “grandfather” in this sentence.
“However, Bharata could not sleep, his face was pale and damp with sweat.” These are two complete sentences, so I recommend replacing the second comma with a semicolon.
At first glance, your story looks good. The layout of your site makes it easy to read, and the link for the picture works perfectly. Also, it is spaced well so that it is easy to read.
ReplyDeleteOne of the first things that I saw in reading, was in the sixth line where you say “Oh grandfather”. I believe that there should be a comma between “oh” and “grandfather”.
In the paragraph that starts “Obediently, Bharata”, I believe that that sentence is a comma splice. It is also very long. You can fix it by either inserting a semi-colon or period between “goodbye” and “they”.
Also, the sentence, “Rama is punished for no crime he had done” is very confusing. I would consider rewording it.
I would read through the story again and work on your word choice after people have spoken. Instead of using the word “said” every time, you could spice it up with differed speaking verbs.
Other than that, good job!
I found this story so interesting both times I read it in Ramayana. While Buck and Narayan tell the story in such different ways, the despair with Kaikeyi is undeniable. Using her two wished to make her son king was so… mean for everyone involved. I loved reading your story and having the opportunity to refresh on such a pivotal point in Rama’s story. Kaikeyi’s changed the entire fate of Rama’s life. You captured Bharata’s frustration of being angry with his mother, but also still loving her so well. It is such a hard position to be in! The dream was such a creative way to open the topic without having to give a huge background story. That was such a great idea.
ReplyDeleteA suggestion I have is to add space between the quoted phrases. The punctuation clustered into the paragraph is a little hard for the eye to adapt to. Adding space would eliminate that “jumping” feeling for the reader. Well done! I look forward to reading more of your stories in the future!
Hi, Christine! This was an interesting in-depth look at this part of the Ramayana from Bharata's perspective. You did a good job of putting yourself in his shoes. I think your dialogue is great, and the transitions between what Bharata is saying and what he is thinking are very smooth. This is a nice addition to your portfolio.
ReplyDeleteI also read your Hanuman story, and that one is good, too. You do an excellent job exploring the characters' thoughts and motives, and that adds a lot of depth to my understanding of the stories just from the assigned texts, which is really cool! I especially like in this one how Bharata's feelings about the situation aren't so black-and-white. He really vacillates with how he feels about his mother and what she did, and I thought that was very realistic. You did a nice job of showing that internal struggle of emotion. Keep up the good work, Christine!